Archive for September, 2008

 

Puerto Rican Guy

 

Launches a UFO

 

Lajas, PR - The town of Lajas was best known for its piña cabezona - the big juicy-headed pineapple. 

Thanks to the Puerto Rican guy it is now known for a UFO landing strip, a flying cock, and a spaceship that looks like a frisbee.

The famous Chupacabra

Chupacabra the flying cock was first seen in an illegal cockfight in the Bronx section of New York City where 19 Congressmen were arrested for cock abuse, illegal gambling, and drinking a potent hallucinogen known as Dead Gringo Malt Liquor.

The Puerto Rican guy won over $300,000 with his enormous cock. 

He then flew down to Puerto Rico, and caused immediate chaos throughout the island. 

UFO sightings in Lajas, Puerto Rico

On Friday September 26 he handed $100,00 to a ufologist, $100,000 towards the completion of a UFO landing strip, and $100,000 to a pineapple farm owned by Marcos Irizarry, the mayor of Lajas.

The mayor holds a pineapple

The next day, the Puerto Rican launched a flying saucer over the San Juan Hilton. In honor of his prize cock, he named it the chupacarro.

The chupacarro takes off

The saucer crashed on the front lawn of La Fortaleza, the oldest Governor’s Mansion in the Western Hemisphere.

Fortunately for the Puerto Rican, the Governor was not home.

As smoke cleared from his saucer, and TV cameras arrived, the Puerto Rican announced a zero-point energy technology (ZPE) which will reverse global warming and enable interstellar travel.

“Wait a minute!” exclaimed Sarah Palin on Fox News Tonight. “I saw that same flying saucer in Alaska, on a TV reality show!”

“That’s a flying garbage can,” warned CNN commentator Lou Dobbs. ”This guy is sneaking more Mexicans into the U.S.”

The ethnic origin of the aliens is still under review.

For the moment, the Puerto Rican continues his campaign for President of the United States, and senior Pentagon officials are analyzing the only videotape of his ZPE saucer.

A copy of this videotape appears below.

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UCLA

 

The presidential debate between Bark Obama and John McCain was boring.

No one mentioned Clay Aiken, Paris Hilton, Perez Hilton or Gossip Girl.

No one compared Google to Yahoo to YouTube, or Jennifer Lopez to Iris Chacón.

 

The great culo war

Before Sarah Palin explains the Wall Street bailout or the flaws of quantum mechanics, she must attend UCLA…the University of the Corner of Lenox Avenue.

Then she will be ready to debate, write a memoir, or shoot Bambi.

Okay…class in session:

 1.        Who was our richest President?

2.        Who was our poorest President?

3.        How many weeks of paid vacation is the President allowed to have?

4.        How many Presidents have filed for divorce while still in office?

5.        Which President legally changed his name twice while in office?

6.        Which President was sued for non-support of a bastard?

7.        Which President underwent tratamiento for drug abuse while in office?

8.        Which President wrote his memoirs, using a fake name?

9.        Which President won an Olympic gold medal?

10.  How many Presidents have been convicted of a felony?

11.    How many Presidents have been buried at sea?

12.    How many Presidents have been cremated?

13.    How many Presidents would you like to cremate?

But I get ahead of myself.

That part we leave for the Edgar Allan Poe School of Government Reform.

By the way, this guy went to Yale…

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Bush doesn’t know the price of gas

Puerto Rican Guy. 

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Puerto Rican Guy

 

Arrested in Boston

 

The Puerto Rican guy was arrested again this weekend.

On Friday September 26, in the midst of a thunderstorm, the Boston Police Department received a call about “Mexican voodoo on Milk Street.”

Upon arrival the BPD observed a commotion in front of the birthplace of Ben Franklin, across the street from the Old South Meeting House.

The building is both a national monument, and a 24-hour Sir Speedy Printing Shop.

All your printing needs

Dressed in revolutionary war pajamas, the Puerto Rican and a young boy were observed flying a kite into the storm.

The Puerto Rican and his boy toy

The Puerto Rican was arrested on multiple charges including:

  • flying a kite without a license
  • impersonating Ben Franklin
  • endangering the welfare of a minor
  • ingesting Salvia Divinorum during a thunderstorm 

The Puerto Rican was escorted to the Boston Lunatic Hospital.

He currently bakes racoons for a psychotic Sumo wrestler, who believes he is on the Ponderosa and calls himself Hop Sing.

Yo boo, where my coons?

But Leo will not marry Hop Sing.

Leo will escape.

He will be back on Monday, running for President of the United States.

 Puerto Rican Guy.

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A Chicken in Every Pot

 

Damas y Caballeros, the recession has reached your stomach.

You know it’s a recession when: 

  • Rich people get one trillion dollars, andyou pay for it.
  • Something is rotten in Denmark, but it’s under your fridge.
  • A roach skitters over Junior’s Pop Tart, and you pack it anyway.

  • You can fill your gas tank or your stomach.
  • Ketchup is declared a vegetable in your public school district.
  • Ketchup is, by far, the healthiest part of Junior’s lunch.

Chow time!

  • You develop a variety of sauces for your government cheese.
  • You cook sauerkraut and neckbones more than once a week.
  • You’re an atheist, but go to church for the milk and cookies.

24% of Americans are obese and:

  •      most of them are black and Latino
  •      the poorer you are, the fatter you get
  •      your neighborhood has 19 McDonald’s but no library

Vote for Leo!

Because I will put a chicken in every pot, and damn the consequences.

Puerto Rican Guy. 

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The Viagra Club

 

Yesterday I get arrested for cock abuse, and I never ever do that.

For that you go to Albany and join the Viagra Club.

Viagra Clubhouse 

Every month about a dozen politicos take 100 mg. of Viagra and pick a pretty intern’s name from a big hat.

The politico who get her, also get $10,000 from Con Edison and the beer company lobbyists.

One month the $10,000 had to be split three ways.

The night is young

My favorite member of the Viagra Club is a married Reverend from the Bronx.

Whenever my hotel room is next to him, he yell “¡Gloria a Dios!” and the bed thump all night. 

Reverend gets a headache

So yes, maybe I throw my cock into the ring…but a pelea de gallo is a fine thing to watch.

For real cock abuse, go to Albany and join the Viagra Club.

Puerto Rican Guy.

PS:  The Reverend and his friends better not mess with this web site.

        Otherwise I will start naming names.

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