Archive for October, 2008

 

 

Halloween Leo

 

 

LOS ANGELES - For no apparent reason, the Puerto Rican running for President has become a Halloween collector’s item.  

 

Every floor of Neiman Marcus, and every window display on Rodeo Drive, has the Puerto Rican guy as its central theme.  

Valentino installed a special sprinkler system for a striking display:

 

The Human Torch

Saks Fifth Avenue countered with a more traditional look.   

 

Crafted by Charlotte Thomas Bespoke, the sheets are thousand-count Egyptian cotton starting at $10,000 for the twin size.

 

Boo!

Yves Saint Laurent launched an “Invisible Man” line with this bold ensemble: 

I can’t marry you, Ashley

Ralph Lauren hired a Puerto Rican impersonator to swim in a fish tank.

Swim, Forrest

Boulmiche installed a Julia Roberts doll undergoing an out-of-body experience:

Puerto Rican OBE

Bijan’s outdid them all, with a classic t-shirt that costs more than a Honda Civic.

Since no one can afford a t-shirt or a loaf of bread, a street vendor was selling these:

The vendor called himself “the Franklin Mint,” and was arrested.

 

Puerto Rican Guy.

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Politics #101

 

Nothing is sure in politics.

But there are some sure ways to win an election.

Here are a few:

Count the Votes Yourself

In a landslide election in 1927, Charles D.B. King won the Presidency of Liberia by a margin of 234,000 votes.

This was truly impressive, since Liberia had only 15,000 registered voters.

When they threw him out of the country in 1930, he come to America all depressed, and re-invented himself as blues singer B. B. King.

Liberian dictator B. B. King

Find a Box of Votes

In his first election ever, Lyndon Baines Johnson stole the student government election at Southeast Texas State Teachers College.

He stole the 1948 U.S. Senate election the same way, with 202 “LBJ” ballots in exact alphabetical order.

They voted in alphabetical order

Call a Judge

Recently in 2000, I saw a new technique.

  

Vote for Leo!

Because I have an even better technique, but I’m not going to tell you yet.

 

Puerto Rican Guy.

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Puerto Rican 

 

Social Security

 

Last week, at a meeting of the Dade County Masonic Society, President Bush declared ”a grave and pressing need to end our Social Security program. Otherwise America will go broke.”

 

Broke, I say!

I have a better idea.   

Since Bush threw $1 trillion at Wall Street…

Since Bush helped Exxon, Halliburton, AIG, Bear Stearns, King Abdullah and the entire Savings & Loan industry…as your President Cojones, I will help the people.

I will make a new law with three parts:

#1  Secretary of Social Security

I will appoint a Secretary of Social Security.

I give him a budget for all the white people over 65. 

Any problem, see him.

#2   Spanish Social Security

To avoid long lines at the Social Security office, and to protect people from hearing unwanted Spanish, different groups will apply for Social Security at different ages:

  • Puerto Ricans         -    age 30
  • Mexicans                -    age 35
  • Dominicans             -    age 40
  • Central Americans   -   age 45
  • South Americans    -    age 50

Cubans have MBA’s and Venezuelans have Hugo Chavez, so they won’t need Social Security.

#3   Sporty Social Security

It’s time we give the American people a chance to make some real money for retirement!  

As President Cojones, I will allow you to bet 50% of your payroll taxes on your favorite sports teams.

Even President Bush agrees with me. “It’s your money,” he told the Bensonhurst Raccoon Lodge. “You should be able to bet it on any team you want.”      

I am a real politico…my Social Security plan has something for everyone.

Vote for Leo!

…and let the games begin!

 

 Puerto Rican Guy. 

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The Three Dollar Bill

 

 

You can’t trust anybody anymore.  

 

Wall Street is lying.  The President is lying.  The priest and rabbi are lying.  

 

Even your dog Frodo is lying!  

 

It’s gotten so bad, you can’t even trust the Almighty Dollar.  

 

Our society is so deceitful, that calling someone “as fake as a three dollar bill” doesn’t mean anything.  

 

It could be a compliment.  

 

In fact, a three dollar bill is the only honest thing left.  

 

As your President Cojones, I will outlaw everything except the three dollar bill.

 

No other currency will be allowed.  

I will know how many bills were printed, where they went, and I’ll be watching you as you spend it.  

There will be no inflation and no runaway spending on my watch.  

Our money will respected again, all around the world.

Vote for Leo!

 

Because when I say “the buck stops here,” it sure as hell does.

 

 

Puerto Rican Guy.

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Puerto Rican Guy Robs the

 

Bank of Israel

 

TEL AVIV – Throughout his presidential campaign, the Puerto Rican man has been a friend of Israel. Repeatedly, he has stood with Prime Minister Ehud Olmert and defended Israel’s sovereignty, dignity, and economic interests around the world.  

This loyalty may have come with a price.  

According to Meir Dagan, the chief of Israeli intelligence, the Puerto Rican may have “a vested interest in our economy.”  

Dagan claims that over the past five years, the man amassed a fortune and financed his campaign for President of the United States, by robbing 21 banks in Jerusalem and Tel Aviv.  

On May 8, 2003 in Jerusalem, a man strolled into 80 Yirmiyahu Street and stole 200,000 sheqels from Bank Yahav. Security cameras caught a figure on a Moto Guzzi motorcycle, tearing toward Bethlehem on the Derech Hevron.

The getaway

 

Since that date the robber hit Bank Leumi, Mizrahi Tefahot, and eighteen other banks in a crime wave that netted 80 million sheqels and virtually no clues.

  

Yesterday he robbed the Bank of Israel. Hardest hit was Adanim Mortgage Bank, Ltd., robbed six times in two weeks.

  

The Israel Times dubbed him “the Motorcycle Bandit” and Mossad, the Israeli intelligence agency, assigned one-quarter of its 1,200 employees to catching him.

 

According to Meir Dagan, the Director of Mossad, “this bandit lives like a saint. We marked all the bills but he hasn’t spent one of them.”

 

Asked how one man could fool 300 Mossad agents, Dagan said “well, uh, apparently…the bandit is a master of disguise. Much better than Lon Chaney. His favorite trick is to arrive as a celebrity, sign autographs, and then rob everybody.”

 

      

The many faces of the Motorcycle Bandit

The disguises worked well.  Police sketches were hazy.   It is suspected that Tevye Shlobom, manager of the Adanim Mortgage Bank, left the door open so he could get a second autograph from Charo.

The best police sketch

 

The Motorcycle Bandit is now a folk hero throughout Israeli society, and theories abound why no one has arrested him.  

 

University of Haifa Sociologist Meyer Lansky calls him a “reverse role model, a modern-day Robin Hood, who unites and inspires us all.”  

 

Cab driver Samuel Glick says he is a big tipper. “What motorcycle?” said Glick. “He hailed my cab, robbed two banks and gave me 500 sheqels. What a mensch!”  

 

Alan Klingenspiel, headmaster of the Sam Spiegel Film School, said “the money went to P&A for the Arnon Milchan spectacular, Big Momma’s House 3. So don’t expect any arrests soon.”  

 

The most detailed analysis is from Moshe Bulbenik, financial writer for the Israel Insider.  

 

According to Bulbenik, “ever since the robberies started in 2003, the Israeli sheqel has climbed to seven-year highs against the US dollar, flirting with the psychological 25 US-cents level, or 4 sheqels per US dollar.  Also, the Tel-Aviv 100 Index hit an all-time high of 1,100 on June 10, more than tripling in value from five years ago.”  

 

Thanks to the bandit, said Bulbenik, “Israel’s economic boom is exceeded only by the big three: China, India, and Russia. The man is good for business. Everyone loves him.”

 

 

When reached for commentary the Puerto Rican was campaigning in Las Vegas.  

Standing  at a slot machine, he yelled “Bandit! What are you talking about? This thing is robbing me!”    

Informed of the bandit’s sanguinary effects on the Israeli economy, the Puerto Rican announced his intention, as President of the United States, “to rob a few banks over here.”

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