Archive for December, 2008

 

 

Puerto Rican Taxes,

 

Part II

 

Last week David Paterson, the Governor of New York State, showed the solution to our financial crisis.

His solution is brilliant and simple: just put a tax on everything in sight.

The Governor added taxes to sugar, health care, beer and wine, cable TV, taking a cab, going to the movies, listening to music, buying a shirt…

And when you pay your New York State income taxes, it will cost you ten dollars to do it.

Governor Paterson is a genius.

He is the first politician in American history, to place a tax on paying your taxes!

Governor Paterson collecting taxes

in his Harlem community

But the Governor missed a few things.

If he really wants to maximize state revenue, he should tax every racial and ethnic subdivision in New York.

That includes rich white people; old and embittered homosexuals; black welfare queens; and lying Congressmen with four rent-controlled apartments.

In that spirit, and in honor of 2009, I hereby submit more taxes for Puerto Ricans:

  •   Banana Republic tax – $10 for voting for any Bronx politician 
  •   Morcilla tax – $1 for eating a blood sausage and calling yourself a Christian 
  •   Don Francisco tax – $3 for viewing Sabado Gigante, or watching paint dry  
  •   Betty La Fea tax – $5 for using food stamps at the beauty parlor 
  •   Fake Citizen tax- $10,000 for flying up from Santo Domingo, having a baby, and declaring him a U.S. citizen 
  •   Gusano tax – $50,000 for paddling in from Cuba, joining the GOP, and qualifying for an SBA business loan 
  •   Erik Estrada tax – $100 for every acre of Florida swamp land, that you buy from a broke and out-of-work actor 
  •   Moron tax – see above (Erik Estrada tax) 
  •   Perez Hilton tax – $1 million for looking like Perez Hilton, and calling yourself Hispanic 
  •   Willie tax – $10 for every crappy Willie Colon album

 

Puerto Rican Guy.

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Puerto Rican

 

 

 

Opinion Poll

 

 

According to some newspapers, a nasty man has been sucking the life out of poor people for nearly forty years.

He is Charles Rangel, the Congressman from Harlem, and Chairman of the House Ways & Means Committee.

He is one of the most powerful men in Washington, D.C., and this is how he spends his time:

Here is the question: should the Puerto Rican guy (aka Leo Machuchal) run for U.S. Congress, against Charles Rangel?

Please leave a comment. Leo needs to know.

This is our Puerto Rican poll.

 

Puerto Rican Guy.     

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Coquito de la Isla del

 

Carajo

 

I raised $23 million for my Presidential campaign.

People ask me how, the answer is very simple.

I owe it all to Coquito de la Isla del Carajo.

In honor of New Year 2009 and our faltering economy, here is the recipe:

1 can Coco Lopez

3 cans Carnation evaporated milk

3 egg whites

1 egg yolk

1 teaspoon vanilla

½ teaspoon cinnamon powder

1 quart Rum 151

This may sound like mere Christmas coquito, but it is not.

This is a demon drink that makes people do whatever you tell them.

After one cup, I told Treasury Secretary Paulson to draw a map of the U.S. economy.  

Here it is:

The economy is sound

Two cups and Rush Limbaugh became addicted:

Better than painkillers

A gallon of it turned nineteen U.S. Congressmen into cock fighting maniacs:

Congressmen Don Nickles (R-OK), Charles Schumer (D-NY),

Dick Gephardt (D-MO), and John Lewis (D-GA) minutes before arrest

The congressmen all agreed: it is much harder to make a good law than to write a good play, and there aren’t 100 people in the world who can write a good play.

And there is only ONE person who can make the Puerto Rican coquito.

Now with this recipe, you can do it too.

But please be careful…

They don’t call it Coquito de la Isla del Carajo for nothing.

 

Puerto Rican Guy.

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Bush the New Gollum

 

 

In a bold stroke of artistic genius, director Peter Jackson announced the casting of George W. Bush as the character of Gollum in We Must Have the Precious.

Produced by the Ministry for the Progressive Restoration of America (MPRA), the film details the devastating consequences of troop withdrawal in Iraq.

In a recent Hollywood Reporter interview, Bush scoffed at  rumors that the MPRA is a front for the Organization of the Petroleum Exporting Companies (OPEC).

“The evildoers are doing evil. I am proud to lend my talents to the fourth installment of the Lord of the Rings trilogy,” Bush said.

 

Puerto Rican Guy.

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Puerto Rican Saves

 

Madison Avenue

 

In his latest effort to save the American economy, the Puerto Rican guy has developed a revolutionary technology.

In 1893, Nikola Tesla demonstrated the power of alternating current at the Chicago World’s Fair.

 Tesla lights the world

In 1909 he astounded the world with his Tesla Coil, which enables a human being to light his own thumb.

 

Tesla lights his thumb

Now in 2009, the Puerto Rican guy outshines even the great Tesla.

He restores America to its rightful position as the economic, military, environmental and spiritual leader of our planet.

The Puerto Rican guy did not even bother to patent this technology.

His genius is too advanced.

No one will understand his science, let alone steal it, for the next 200 years.

So here it is.

Take a good look at the salvation of America.

Our next contribution to humanity.

Our calling card to the universe.

Ladies and gentlemen, we give you…

 Moonvertising

Puerto Rican Guy.

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