Archive for January, 2009

blog-snl

 

Miss South Carolina

 

for U.S. Senate

 

Two years ago, a great vision arose in the bowels of Dixie.

A vision for our children…

To bring them books…

To teach them well…

Even in Africa!

She was even a vision in a bathing suit.

Now this vision has announced her campaign for the U.S. Senate.

She loves the cameras more than Sarah Palin.

She handles her liquor better than Jenna Bush.

She talks better than Caroline Kennedy.

The Puerto Rican guy will vote for her.

 

Puerto Rican Guy.

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Puerto Rican Guy

 

Urges

 

Everyone to Diversify

 

 

In the wake of trillion-dollar Wall Street bailouts, and nice Jewish boys like Bernie Madoff, the Puerto Rican guy has developed a safety net for the American people.

With equal doses of humility, guile and common sense, it provides a road map for survival during these difficult times.

The plan involves five steps:

1.    Get a Piragua Cart

This is ground zero, your base of operations.

Just like rich people set up a “Hedge Fund” or “Investment Bank” then rob everyone blind, your Piragua cart is your business front.

With sno-cones as your cover, you’ll beat the bankers at their own game.

2.    Sell Wall Street Lotto

From the back of your Piragua cart, you start your numbers racket.

The Dow Jones Industrial Average will be your daily number.

Since rich white people love to get down with the ghetto, even while they rape it, they will all flock to your Piragua cart.

3.    Dispense Stock Advice

Bankers are complete frauds, so they tend to be superstitious.

Once they buy your daily number they will become addicted to your “inside information,” and will listen to anything you say. 

At this point…for an “inside price”…you give them Wall Street Tarot Readings.     

lm-blog-tarrot-lotto

Your Wall Street Tarot Readings will penetrate every building in sight, and will become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Since nobody knows anything on Wall Street (except how to bullshit), they will buy your bullshit and treat it as Gospel truth.

You’ll be the Bernie Madoff of the Barack administration.

4.    Develop a Two-Faced Clone

To multiply your winnings, you must mislead the hoi polloi.

As your investment reputation grows, set up a second Piragua cart with a lying son of a bitch.

His job is to give everyone the exact opposite advice and information as you.

Two faced business advisor

 

In order to capture market share, and maximize your short sale opportunities, his Piraguas must be tastier than yours.

 

5.    Pay for Protection

Like anything in life, you get what you pay for.

We have the finest government that money can buy…so please pay the Godfather when he walks by.

You’ll know him when you see him.

He’ll buy a piragua and hand you a card, which looks something like this:

Ben S. Bernanke

De Facto Chairman

  Federal Reserve Bank

Puerto Rican Guy.

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Ricardo Montalbán

 

A great actor passed away last week.

Ricardo Montalbán appeared in 168 film and television projects, during a 67-year career.

He appeared as himself another 46 times

 Born

Ricardo Gonzalo Pedro Montalbán y Merin

November 25, 1920(1920-11-25)
Mexico City, Mexico

 Died

January 14, 2009 (aged 88)
Los Angeles, California, United States

Occupation

Actor, director

Years active

1942 – 2009

He starred with Lucille Ball, Anne Bancroft, Antonio Banderas, Lionel Barrymore, Marlon Brando, Cantinflas, Art Carney, Cyd Charisse, Xavier Cugat, Bill Cosby, Joseph Cotton, Sammy Davis Jr., Jimmy Durante, Hector Elizondo, Peter Falk, Federico Fellini, Glenn Ford, Clark Gable, Rita Hayworth, Bob Hope, Van Johnson, Dorothy Lamour, Hope Lange, Martin Landau, Frank Langella,  Angela Lansbury, Karl Malden, Anne Margaret, Lee Marvin, E.G. Marshall, Adolphe Menjou, Ethel Merman, Jack Palance, Burt Reynolds, Debbie Reynolds, Chita Rivera, Julia Roberts, Will Rogers, Gilbert Roland, Telly Savalas, George C. Scott, Budd Schulberg, William Shatner, Phil Silvers, Frank Sinatra, the Smothers Brothers, Sylvester Stallone, Susan Strasberg, Elke Sommer, Danny Thomas, Lana Turner, Rudy Vallee, John Wayne, Johnny Weissmuller, and Esther Williams  

…to name a few.

Ricardo Montalbán brought us soft Corinthian leather.

He was handsomer than Captain Kirk.

He took us all to Fantasy Island.

Most importantly, he helped establish the Nosotros Awards, to uplift the image and self-esteem of Latinos all over America.

Ricardo Montalbán will be missed.

He showed us character in a time and place, where character is in short supply.

 

Puerto Rican Guy.

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Hiram Monserrate

 

In December 2008 Hiram Monserrate, a newly-elected State Senator from New York, slashed his girlfriend in the face with a broken glass.

The gash required 20 stitches.

The Senator was arrested for felony assault, and faces a seven-year prison sentence.

No one is clear what happened, especially since Hiram and his girlfriend keep changing their story: 

  •  Hiram found a man’s business card, and went into a jealous rage.
  •  Hiram slipped and fell.
  •  Hiram found drugs in her purse, and went into a jealous rage.
  •  The glass flew out of Hiram’s hand.
  •  Hiram saw Erik Estrada’s photo, and went into a jealous rage.

Hiram sticks to his stories

All these versions are fine: but they don’t explain how a glass can hit the floor, shatter, bounce up five feet, and lodge itself in a woman’s face.

In order to help out Hiram, here is his Nobel Prize-winning defense:

Normally, gravity would drag the object to the floor. But if a shard is trapezoidal, and energy is released about 3 a.m. when the moon is in the seventh house, and Jupiter is aligned with Mars, glass can travel upward on its own zero-point energy. This is Nikola Tesla’s classic “quarter-twist in an object’s quantum torque.”

Therefore Hiram was the victim of a confluence of forces, provided that he also won the Mega Millions Jackpot that day.

Otherwise, as Einstein postulated, the manliness constant multiplied by the square root of blood alcohol equals the speed at which a broken glass approaches the eye vortex, especially while drinking coquito.

There you have it.

The science is solid, and we need Hiram in Albany.

If anyone can cut the state budget, it’s the slashing Senator from Jackson Heights!

 

Puerto Rican Guy.

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José Chegüi Torres

 

 

Another great one has left us.

José Chegüi Torres (May 3, 1936 - January 19, 2009) was the light-heavywight boxing champion of the world.

In 45 professional fights, his record was 41 wins, 3 losses and 1 draw…with 29 knockouts.

But he was more than a Hall of Fame boxer.

He was one of New York’s renaissance men: journalist, author, government official, trend-setter, and a genuinely good and generous person.

Chegüi was the first Latino columnist for a major English-language newspaper, the New York Post.

He was the first Latino chairperson of the New York State Athletic Commission.

He wrote celebrated biographies of Muhammad Ali and Mike Tyson.

 

He was as much at home in literary circles – surrounded by the likes of Norman Mailer, Budd Schulberg, Pete Hamill – as he was in Gleason’s Gym.

For all his greatness, Chegüi was always humble. That was his most endearing trait.

When he won the world title in 1965, he shouted “This is for everyone!”

…and he meant it.

If he liked you, he invited you to his house for dinner.  If he didn’t, he told you why.

And he always gave you a chance to change his mind.

I was one of the lucky ones.

Yes, Chegüi was one tough cookie…

But more importantly, he never forgot where he came from.

When he died in his hometown of Ponce, Puerto Rico, the entire island declared three days of mourning for him.

He deserved every minute of it.

Chegüi was the man…with the readiest smile backed by the fastest helping hand in town.

Always offering his friendship.

Never asking for anything in return.

Always there for those who needed him, the great José Chegüi Torres will always be missed.

 

Puerto Rican Guy. 

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