Archive for May, 2009

 

 

Padre Alberto

 

 

Cutié:

 

 

More Gay than

 

 

Donald Duck

 

 

MIAMI, FL – El Padre Alberto is finally getting paid what he is worth.

Several years ago, Father Alberto Cutié published a best-selling book about the romance of life, titled Love for Real, Live for Real.

 

 

He has a talk show on both radio and television.

Since 2002, Hablando Claro con el Padre Alberto reaches millions of households through EWTN en Español.

He is also a syndicated columnist in newspapers throughout the U.S. and Latin America.

Unfortunately, Father Cutié’s vows of poverty prevented him from accepting those millions of media dollars. To make matters worse, his family started squabbling over all the money.

Padre Alberto is gay…but he still devised a two-part exit strategy that worked for everybody.

The first part was to get caught kissing a girl on the beach.

The second part was to become an Episcopalian.

Now people will not suspect his gayness, and Cutié will no longer suffer the vows of poverty.

His hot summer book, Think and Grow Rich, will soon hit the stands.

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His tell-all autobiography, I am Gayer than Donald Duck, will be released in 2012.

 

Puerto Rican Guy

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Daniel Dunglas Home

 

 

(1833 – 1886)

 

 

Daniel Dunglas Home (aka D.D. Home) was the most famous medium of the 19th century.

Although Carlos Mirabelli (1889-1951) had greater powers, Mirabelli spent his entire life in Brazil.

D.D. Home had a fashionable European audience.

He performed for Arthur Conan Doyle, William James, Alexandre Dumas, William Thackeray, Robert Browning, Emperor Napoleon III, the Tsar of Russia, the Emperor of Germany, the Queen of Holland, the King of Naples, and U.S. Supreme Court Justice John Worth Edmonds.

Home’s specialty was floating through the air.

 

 

He also levitated heavy tables, chairs, other people, and musical instruments.

One time he floated an accordion over everyone’s head as it played Home, Sweet Home.

Dead people spoke through him, with verifiable detail.

He could predict future events with great accuracy.

D.D. Home…

Not quite Mirabelli, but very impressive.

 

Puerto Rican Guy

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Mirabelli

 

 

(1889-1951)

 

Carlos Mirabelli was the greatest psychic medium of all time.

For forty years in Brazil, he did things that no one could explain.

He did them in broad daylight…

Before hundreds of people…

The events were often photographed and filmed…

In some cases up to 60 witnesses were present. These included 72 doctors, 12 engineers, 36 lawyers, and 25 military men.

The President of Brazil once witnessed Mirabelli, and immediately ordered an investigation.

Mirabelli could levitate six feet into the air.

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He once levitated in Da Luz and appeared in São Vicenti – a distance of 57 miles in two minutes.

With an eighth grade education and no language training, he wrote in Japanese, Russian, Turkish, Mandarin Chinese, Sanskrit, Latin, Sumerian, Chaldaic, Hieroglyphic, Syrian, Hebrew, German, English, Portuguese, Spanish, French…over thirty different languages, two of which no longer exist.

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Automatic writing by Mirabelli

Mirabelli could also materialize dead people.

He did it dozens of times before hundreds of witnesses.

One time his dead father showed up.

Descending phantom of Paschoal Mirabelli

Another time the poet Giuseppe Parini arrived, and spoke with everyone.

Phantom of the poet Parini (died 1799)

The ninth century ruler of the Arab empire paid a visit.

The phantom Harun al Raschid

The daughter of a medical doctor, Dr. Ganymede de Souza, once appeared for 36 minutes. She had died of influenza a few months earlier.

She appeared in her grave clothes.

Her pulse was tested.

Father and child spoke together. Father and child were photographed.

Then the phantom raised itself and floated away in the air.

Another time they stripped Mirabelli to his underwear and lashed him to a chair.

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They locked every door and window.

Mirabelli went into a trance…then he dissolved and re-materialized, instantaneously, over 100 feet away, in another locked room.

He died in a car crash on April 30, 1951 and was buried the very next day – a humble grave – number 155, block 27, at the São Paulo Cemetery.

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Mirabelli’s modest grave

The speedy burial seems suspicious.

Maybe the CIA or KGB made a Cold War offer he couldn’t refuse.

Who knows.

But Carlos Mirabelli was, without a doubt, the greatest and most terrifying medium who ever lived.

 

Puerto Rican Guy

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The Truth About

 

 

Sonia Sotomayor

 

 

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NEW YORK CITY, NY – President Obama has appointed Sonia Sotomayor to be   the first Hispanic Justice of the Supreme Court, in the history of the United States.

The Puerto Rican guy knew Sonia at Yale Law School, so he can offer a few little-known details.

Sonia María de Sotomayor y Ruiz de Orellana was born in a log cabin.

She walked five miles to a one-room grammar school, and learned to read by candlelight.

She also chopped wood every day.

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Sonia chopping wood

But Sonia studied hard and graduated from Cardinal Spellman High School.

She studied hard at Princeton.

A proud woman, she worked her way through college as a talented borscht belt comedienne.

She even warmed up the Grossinger’s crowds for Mort Sahl and Shecky Greene.

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Sonia Miranda

Sonia graduated from Princeton and attended Yale Law School.

A proud woman, she worked her way through law school as a part-time brain surgeon.

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Sonia knows surgery

Sonia managed to graduate from Yale, and became a Federal District Judge (Southern District New York).

For extra cash she continued to entertain at Grossinger’s, in an act known as the Rappin’ Judge.

Her hit single I’m a Judge and I Make Policy, Bitch was nominated for three Grammy Awards.

The Rappin’ Judge

Now that Sonia is a big-time judge, she dropped the hip hop act and is pursuing a book deal.

The Audacity of Sonia will soon be available at fine book stores.

 

Puerto Rican Guy

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The Incredible Hulk

 

 

WASHINGTON, D.C.  - The Puerto Rican guy has exposed one of the greatest frauds in U.S. history.

Using his own patented time machine, the HMS Carajo, he traveled to the Delaware River on the night of December 25, 1776.

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The HMS Carajo

It was the night that George Washington crossed the Delaware and attacked the Hessian troops in Trenton, New Jersey.

The Hessians were German mercenaries, who loved to drink beer on religious holidays.

Fröhliche Weihnachten!

Washington led 2,000 troops right into the drunken Hessian camp.

Chaos followed immediately. In just 45 minutes, 900 Hessians were captured and the others ran away.

Historians all agree on this.

What they don’t tell you, is that the troops were actually led by the Incredible Hulk. 

The Hulk crosses the Delaware

After the German massacre, he went onto terrorize the rest of New Jersey.

All over Hoboken, Newark, Atlantic City…

Men, women and children…

The Hulk smashed everything and everyone in his path.

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Within two weeks the war was won and Washington became our President.

Since the Hulk was green, our history books do not tell us this.

But the Puerto Rican is not racist and the HMS Carajo does not lie.

The father of our country was the Incredible Hulk.

 

Puerto Rican Guy

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