Archive for April, 2010

 

Puerto Rican Guy originated in Southeast Asia

 

BORNEO – A family tree appeared in Borneo last week, with an assortment of Puerto Ricans on every major branch. The tree proves that Puerto Ricans originated somewhere in Southeast Asia, built large boats, and discovered the New World 10,000 years before everyone else. 

“DNA does not lie,” said Niels Borden, the Nobel-prize winning cartographer of the human genome. “Leo Machuchal and his ancestors originated in Borneo and Sumatra. They navigated the Pacific Ocean, landed in Puerto Rico, and settled the entire North American continent.”

Leo demands recognition

The Borneo family tree clearly shows Leo Machuchal, sitting on the lowest branch. Scientists are investigating how a Sumatran orangutan could develop the nautical technology to sail across the Pacific Ocean…a feat unmatched until 1968, when George W. Bush graduated from Yale University.

Puerto Rican Guy

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Puerto Rican Guy trains with Brazilian orangutans

 

VOLTA GRANDE DO XINGU, Brazil  – Leo Machuchal has become the most dangerous fighter in the world.

After six months of studying capoeira techniques with Rhodesian ridgeback baboons, Leo’s hands, feet, head and nose are all lethal weapons, and he is forced to register them in every country that he enters.

Leo trains with Sensei Nim Chimpsky

So far every baboon in the world has avoided Leo. The only one willing to fight him is Adam Clayton Powell IV, and a match will soon be announced through Golden Boy Promotions.

Adam Clayton Powell IV

 

Puerto Rican Guy

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Puerto Rican Guy is a Crossover Sensation

 

HONG KONG  – A shocking moment occurred in the Worldwide Kumite di le Kung Fu. For the first time in history, the same fighter won in three weight classes and two species categories.

It all started when Leo Machuchal won the bantam and middleweight Kung Fu competitions, with full contact and no time limit.

Leo slips a punch

Then Leo won the heavyweight belt.

Leo knocks out Sonny Chiba

Then Leo shocked the world, when he fought as a baboon in the Inter-species division.

Leo transcends his baboon roots

“Machuchal is incredible!” proclaimed WKKF President Hung Ho Fat. “He wins as a bantam, a middle, a heavy…and then as a baboon!” 

Endorsement deals for Leo are under negotiation with Nike, Coca Cola and McDonald’s. The French press are hailing him as “Le Baboon Terrible.” 

A complaint was registered by one of Leo’s opponents, pointing out that there are no baboons in Puerto Rico, and thereby accusing him of taking BGH (Baboon Growth Hormone). 

The WKKF’s decision is still pending.

Puerto Rican Guy

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Puerto Rican Guy is the new Charles Bronson

 

NEW ORLEANS  – Leo Machuchal has agreed to play the part of “Chaney” in the upcoming re-make of Hard Times, co-starring Giovanni Ribisi as the fast-talking manager and Natalie Portman as the lonely Lucy Simpson.

“America needs a new hero,” said producer Lawrence Bender. “Leo Machuchal is the strong, silent type. People believe in him.”

The news Charles Bronson

The film is widely regarded as the 2011 summer tentpole that will either save MGM, or sink the studio forever.

Puerto Rican Guy

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The New $100 Bill

 

WASHINGTON, D.C.  – The U.S. Federal Reserve unveiled a new $100 bill last week, which will prevent terrorists from flooding the world with fake currency.

“Our new bills are foolproof,” said Maxwell Perkins, a spokesman for the U. S. Treasury Department.  “We used the greatest security features in the world.   

The new $100 bill

Upon close inspection, this “new” $100 bill appears exactly like the old one, except that Leo Machuchal has been photo-shopped onto it, to appear like Benjamin Franklin. 

The photo-shopping is crude and amateurish, and it is doubtful that anyone would honor this currency. 

Please do NOT use or accept these “new” $100 bills. They were not approved by Leo, and they’re not fooling anyone. 

Puerto Rican Guy

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