Archive for May, 2010

 

The Leo Bus

 

WASHINGTON HEIGHTS, NYC.  – Assemblyman Adriano Espaillat has filed charges against the campaign of Leo Machuchal.

“He’s character-assassinating me with his bus!” charged Espaillat, at an angry press conference in Harlem.

“He’s running up and down Broadway with this little bus, saying nasty things about me to everyone!”

Espaillat complains about Leo’s bus

Leo doesn’t understand what all the fuss is about. “I have a bus and I’m campaigning in it. So what’s the problem?”

According to Espaillat, the Leo bus is mentioning certain er . . . irregularities . . . with the state monies that have been spent in Leo’s district. “Lies! It’s all lies!” said Espaillat in Harlem. 

Leo does not get into that. He just keeps campaigning in his little old bus.

The Leo Bus

According to Leo, “when Espaillat stops lying about me, I’ll stop telling the truth about him.”

Puerto Rican Guy

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Comments 0 Comments

 

The Don Q Candidate

 

WASHINGTON HEIGHTS, NY – Leo Machuchal’s campaign was going great. He was all set to become the next State Assemblyman from Washington Heights. And then the accusations began.

“He’s a bootlegger!” screamed his opponent Adriano Espaillat. “He’s buying votes with his rum!”

As proof, Espaillat whipped a label out of his pocket, with Leo’s photo on it:

This all came as a shock to Leo, who denies any association with Don Q, and has not had a drink in 16 years. 

“Somebody’s doing something slick downtown,” said Leo, as his bus continued to campaign through the streets of Washington Heights. 

“We must be winning, or else they wouldn’t be lying.”

 

Puerto Rican Guy

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Comments 0 Comments

 

The Dominican Day Parade

 

WASHINGTON HEIGHTS, NYC  – Leo Machuchal has been endorsed by the Dominican Day Parade.

This will enable him to march next to many great leaders, and say many wise things.

Here is Leo in a previous parade, surrounded by distinguished gentlemen.

Leo en el desfile

The truth is, Leo looks a bit lost in the photo, wondering “where am I?” and “how did I get here?” 

Leo always becomes philosophical in the middle of a parade. 

That is why we love him.

Puerto Rican Guy

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Comments 0 Comments

 

Oops!

 

PLAZA DE LAS VENTANAS, SPAIN  –  Leo Machuchal is an animal rights activist. He is the founder of Puerto Rican PETA and, for 12 years, has not even hurt a fly.

He took his commitment all the way to Plaza de la Ventanas in Spain, where he attended their annual “Let’s stick the bull with a dozen wooden spikes, then lance his lungs from atop a hose, then drive a sword into his spinal column and applaud” festival.

Leo protested this event by standing there for an hour, and refusing to hurt the bull in any way. The bullfight crowd didn’t appreciate it.

Finally even the bull got bored, and gored Leo through his neck.

The bull has had enough

The Puerto Rican Guy was rushed to the hospital, but he survived. “I thought the bull was my friend,” said Leo.

Puerto Rican Guy

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Comments 0 Comments

 

Secretary Espaillat

 

May 26, 2010

MIAMI — “We need to turn lemons into lemonade!” shouted the Puerto Rican man, standing on a pile of rocks.

In a bizarre press conference on the front steps of the Versace Mansion, the Puerto Rican who keeps demanding change from everyone he meets, declared himself a candidate for U.S. President. He then announced the creation of a new Cabinet-level federal bureaucracy, the Department of Rubble and Urban Development.

“We need to manage our rubble!” he shouted. “Rubble is our most abundant resource, the fastest-growing sector of our economy.”

The Puerto Rican had a point. With a looming national recession and a 91% rise in Florida home foreclosures over the past year alone, he declared that “action movies and rubble are America’s greatest exports. We must respect the Black-Scholes equation, and create a path to capitalization on our vast and ever-increasing supply of rock fragments and crumbling masonry!”

Reporters were confused by the Spanish accent and MBA double-talk, but then he pointed over his shoulder and made sense.

 

Photos of the Versace Mansion, before and after 2008 foreclosure

Gianni Versace, though dead, had defaulted on a sub-prime loan. Even in the grave, the world-famous fashion designer had fallen victim to predatory lending practices and posthumous bill collection. Rats, condoms and Chinese takeout were piled waist-high, all around the crumbling Versace Mansion. The Puerto Rican was inspired by it.

“Look at this gorgeous rubble!” he shouted. “This is the new American frontier.  We must accept the reality of rubble and our new rubble economy. And as your next President, I will take strong and immediate steps, to end our dependence on foreign rubble!”

As the crowd cheered, the Puerto Rican announced his Secretary of Rubble and Urban Development, an Afghani businessman named Adriano Espaillat.

“We bombed Afghanistan into the Stone Age,” he shouted over the applause. “You want an expert on rubble? Go to Afghanistan!”

According to Middle Eastern sources, Mr. Espaillat is a professional wrestler and a landlord, with financial interests in 32 separate piles of rubble. In addition to these conflicts of interest, Espaillat also bears a disturbing resemblance to deceased Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat.

Puerto Rican Guy and the Secretary of Rubble

and Urban Development, Adriano Espaillat

The U.S. Attorney’s Office is investigating the 32 piles of rubble owned by Adriano Espaillat. 

Espaillat insists that his interests lie with the people.

Adriano Espaillat, praying for the people’s prosperity

 

Puerto Rican Guy

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Comments 0 Comments