Posts Tagged “development”

 

El Nico is Al Pacino

 

LOS ANGELES, CA  – In a stunning development, producers of the re-make of Dog Day Afternoon today announced that El Nico will not play himself.

He will play the part of Al Pacino, and will scream “Attica!” if police try to arrest him.

 

Puerto Rican Guy

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Secretary Espaillat

 

May 26, 2010

MIAMI — “We need to turn lemons into lemonade!” shouted the Puerto Rican man, standing on a pile of rocks.

In a bizarre press conference on the front steps of the Versace Mansion, the Puerto Rican who keeps demanding change from everyone he meets, declared himself a candidate for U.S. President. He then announced the creation of a new Cabinet-level federal bureaucracy, the Department of Rubble and Urban Development.

“We need to manage our rubble!” he shouted. “Rubble is our most abundant resource, the fastest-growing sector of our economy.”

The Puerto Rican had a point. With a looming national recession and a 91% rise in Florida home foreclosures over the past year alone, he declared that “action movies and rubble are America’s greatest exports. We must respect the Black-Scholes equation, and create a path to capitalization on our vast and ever-increasing supply of rock fragments and crumbling masonry!”

Reporters were confused by the Spanish accent and MBA double-talk, but then he pointed over his shoulder and made sense.

 

Photos of the Versace Mansion, before and after 2008 foreclosure

Gianni Versace, though dead, had defaulted on a sub-prime loan. Even in the grave, the world-famous fashion designer had fallen victim to predatory lending practices and posthumous bill collection. Rats, condoms and Chinese takeout were piled waist-high, all around the crumbling Versace Mansion. The Puerto Rican was inspired by it.

“Look at this gorgeous rubble!” he shouted. “This is the new American frontier.  We must accept the reality of rubble and our new rubble economy. And as your next President, I will take strong and immediate steps, to end our dependence on foreign rubble!”

As the crowd cheered, the Puerto Rican announced his Secretary of Rubble and Urban Development, an Afghani businessman named Adriano Espaillat.

“We bombed Afghanistan into the Stone Age,” he shouted over the applause. “You want an expert on rubble? Go to Afghanistan!”

According to Middle Eastern sources, Mr. Espaillat is a professional wrestler and a landlord, with financial interests in 32 separate piles of rubble. In addition to these conflicts of interest, Espaillat also bears a disturbing resemblance to deceased Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat.

Puerto Rican Guy and the Secretary of Rubble

and Urban Development, Adriano Espaillat

The U.S. Attorney’s Office is investigating the 32 piles of rubble owned by Adriano Espaillat. 

Espaillat insists that his interests lie with the people.

Adriano Espaillat, praying for the people’s prosperity

 

Puerto Rican Guy

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Leo’s Income Tax Tips Part III

 

Leo Machuchal has not paid any income taxes for the past 38 years.

All his tax strategies are legal, and Leo has never even audited.

Here are a few more tax tips from Leo:

INVENT A NEW PRODUCT and deduct all research & development expenses, including damage to your nose.

BE THE ONLY HONEST LAWYER IN TOWN, and go broke when your clients leave you.

BECOME A PROPHET, gaze into the sky a lot, and deduct all your travel expenses.

OPEN A CLASSY BAR and invite all your friends. You’ll go bankrupt in a week.

IF THE IRS EVER CALLS, tell them you’re clinically depressed.

 

Puerto Rican Guy

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