Posts Tagged “everyone”

 

 Leo on the Campaign Trail

 

WASHINGTON HEIGHTS, NYC  – Leo Machuchal is back on the campaign trail in Washington Heights.

He can be seen everywhere in his little bus, yelling “vote for Leo!”

But Leo respects our privacy, and hates to intrude on it. For this reason his first bill will be the requirement of individual cell phone booths for everyone who uses a cell phone.

Leo talks on the subway

The voters don’t know what to make of it. 

But they sure love talking.

Puerto Rican Guy

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Leo Announces Ice Cream for

Everyone, Free Delicious Ice cream,

and Also There is an Ebola Outbreak

 

WASHINGTON HEIGHTS, NYC  – One week ago, opened a Benihana Leo restaurant opened in Washington Heights.

Things were going great, and Leo became inspired to give Puerto Rican pistachio ice cream to everyone.

The ice cream was delicious, and best of all, it was free!

But a few problems have emerged.

On Monday June 28, the Center for Disease Control forced Leo to recall all his ice cream, due to an ebola outbreak that is sweeping through Washington Heights.

Leo apologizes for the ebola outbreak

Leo is very sorry that his pistachios are causing people to throw up. Next week he will serve strawberry.

Puerto Rican Guy

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The Leo Platform (Part 2)

 

NEW YORK CITY, NY – Leo Machuchal continues with a revolutionary platform for Washington Heights.

To combat noise pollution, Leo says that everyone should wear a cell phone booth.

But that’s not all. Here is the rest of Leo’s anti-noise program:

  1. If your radio can be heard from 25 feet away, you get a $25 fine.

A probable $25 fine

2.    If your dog barks for over 5 minutes, you get a $50 fine.

3.    If you cause any sort of ruckus or disturbance, $100 fine.

A $100 fine for each disturbing singer

Leo will enact all these fines into New York State law, on the first day that he takes office. 

“Why wait?” said Leo.

Puerto Rican Guy

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The Leo Bus

 

WASHINGTON HEIGHTS, NYC.  – Assemblyman Adriano Espaillat has filed charges against the campaign of Leo Machuchal.

“He’s character-assassinating me with his bus!” charged Espaillat, at an angry press conference in Harlem.

“He’s running up and down Broadway with this little bus, saying nasty things about me to everyone!”

Espaillat complains about Leo’s bus

Leo doesn’t understand what all the fuss is about. “I have a bus and I’m campaigning in it. So what’s the problem?”

According to Espaillat, the Leo bus is mentioning certain er . . . irregularities . . . with the state monies that have been spent in Leo’s district. “Lies! It’s all lies!” said Espaillat in Harlem. 

Leo does not get into that. He just keeps campaigning in his little old bus.

The Leo Bus

According to Leo, “when Espaillat stops lying about me, I’ll stop telling the truth about him.”

Puerto Rican Guy

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Secretary Espaillat

 

May 26, 2010

MIAMI — “We need to turn lemons into lemonade!” shouted the Puerto Rican man, standing on a pile of rocks.

In a bizarre press conference on the front steps of the Versace Mansion, the Puerto Rican who keeps demanding change from everyone he meets, declared himself a candidate for U.S. President. He then announced the creation of a new Cabinet-level federal bureaucracy, the Department of Rubble and Urban Development.

“We need to manage our rubble!” he shouted. “Rubble is our most abundant resource, the fastest-growing sector of our economy.”

The Puerto Rican had a point. With a looming national recession and a 91% rise in Florida home foreclosures over the past year alone, he declared that “action movies and rubble are America’s greatest exports. We must respect the Black-Scholes equation, and create a path to capitalization on our vast and ever-increasing supply of rock fragments and crumbling masonry!”

Reporters were confused by the Spanish accent and MBA double-talk, but then he pointed over his shoulder and made sense.

 

Photos of the Versace Mansion, before and after 2008 foreclosure

Gianni Versace, though dead, had defaulted on a sub-prime loan. Even in the grave, the world-famous fashion designer had fallen victim to predatory lending practices and posthumous bill collection. Rats, condoms and Chinese takeout were piled waist-high, all around the crumbling Versace Mansion. The Puerto Rican was inspired by it.

“Look at this gorgeous rubble!” he shouted. “This is the new American frontier.  We must accept the reality of rubble and our new rubble economy. And as your next President, I will take strong and immediate steps, to end our dependence on foreign rubble!”

As the crowd cheered, the Puerto Rican announced his Secretary of Rubble and Urban Development, an Afghani businessman named Adriano Espaillat.

“We bombed Afghanistan into the Stone Age,” he shouted over the applause. “You want an expert on rubble? Go to Afghanistan!”

According to Middle Eastern sources, Mr. Espaillat is a professional wrestler and a landlord, with financial interests in 32 separate piles of rubble. In addition to these conflicts of interest, Espaillat also bears a disturbing resemblance to deceased Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat.

Puerto Rican Guy and the Secretary of Rubble

and Urban Development, Adriano Espaillat

The U.S. Attorney’s Office is investigating the 32 piles of rubble owned by Adriano Espaillat. 

Espaillat insists that his interests lie with the people.

Adriano Espaillat, praying for the people’s prosperity

 

Puerto Rican Guy

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