Posts Tagged “Florida”

 

El Pelo de Nico

 

MIAMI, FL  – A clue has finally turned up in the manhunt for El Nico, who has robbed eleven banks in three weeks in the Palm Beach area of Miami, Florida.

According to Pedro Paramo, Chief of Detectives for Miami Dade County, “the man loves only two things. Money and his hair.”

Sources have told Paramo that El Nico gets his hair done, on the morning of every robbery. “We interviewed every beautician in Palm Beach,” said Paramo, “and we have a few leads.”

El Nico and his hair

Miami Dade police refused to release any further information.

Puerto Rican Guy

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Comments 0 Comments

 

Secretary Espaillat

 

May 26, 2010

MIAMI — “We need to turn lemons into lemonade!” shouted the Puerto Rican man, standing on a pile of rocks.

In a bizarre press conference on the front steps of the Versace Mansion, the Puerto Rican who keeps demanding change from everyone he meets, declared himself a candidate for U.S. President. He then announced the creation of a new Cabinet-level federal bureaucracy, the Department of Rubble and Urban Development.

“We need to manage our rubble!” he shouted. “Rubble is our most abundant resource, the fastest-growing sector of our economy.”

The Puerto Rican had a point. With a looming national recession and a 91% rise in Florida home foreclosures over the past year alone, he declared that “action movies and rubble are America’s greatest exports. We must respect the Black-Scholes equation, and create a path to capitalization on our vast and ever-increasing supply of rock fragments and crumbling masonry!”

Reporters were confused by the Spanish accent and MBA double-talk, but then he pointed over his shoulder and made sense.

 

Photos of the Versace Mansion, before and after 2008 foreclosure

Gianni Versace, though dead, had defaulted on a sub-prime loan. Even in the grave, the world-famous fashion designer had fallen victim to predatory lending practices and posthumous bill collection. Rats, condoms and Chinese takeout were piled waist-high, all around the crumbling Versace Mansion. The Puerto Rican was inspired by it.

“Look at this gorgeous rubble!” he shouted. “This is the new American frontier.  We must accept the reality of rubble and our new rubble economy. And as your next President, I will take strong and immediate steps, to end our dependence on foreign rubble!”

As the crowd cheered, the Puerto Rican announced his Secretary of Rubble and Urban Development, an Afghani businessman named Adriano Espaillat.

“We bombed Afghanistan into the Stone Age,” he shouted over the applause. “You want an expert on rubble? Go to Afghanistan!”

According to Middle Eastern sources, Mr. Espaillat is a professional wrestler and a landlord, with financial interests in 32 separate piles of rubble. In addition to these conflicts of interest, Espaillat also bears a disturbing resemblance to deceased Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat.

Puerto Rican Guy and the Secretary of Rubble

and Urban Development, Adriano Espaillat

The U.S. Attorney’s Office is investigating the 32 piles of rubble owned by Adriano Espaillat. 

Espaillat insists that his interests lie with the people.

Adriano Espaillat, praying for the people’s prosperity

 

Puerto Rican Guy

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Comments 0 Comments

 

Leo Leads an Income Tax Revolt

 

MIAMI, FL – Leo Machuchal has started a revolution in Florida. 

At a rally in Miami’s Calle Ocho district, Leo and 20,000 Cubans burned their IRS 1040’s on Friday, April 2.

As President of the Guardians of the Free Republics, Leo sent letters to 30 U.S. Governors, threatening to forcibly remove them from office.

The FBI is investigating Leo, but he does not care.

Leo threatens to personally remove every Governor in the U.S.

“Do not send the IRS your money!” yelled Leo. “Do not pay any income tax!” 

According to Leo, until all income taxes are eliminated, every Governor in the U.S. – all 50 of them – are violating our constitutional rights and should go to jail.

Puerto Rican Guy

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Comments 0 Comments

 

Omertà at the Federal Reserve

 

MIAMI, FL – Leo Machuchal is trapped inside a Federal Reserve Bank in Dade County, Florida. 

They have frozen his lips, so that he cannot speak or start a Tea Party. 

It all started innocently enough when Leo printed up the Taíno three-dollar bill, as part of Puerto Rican History month.

Leo didn’t know this was a capital crime of the highest order. 

They accused him of being a G-2 Cuban spy, and he had to wear a disguise to buy his groceries.

Leo refuses to buy pork products

The Treasury Department caught Leo. 

They are holding him against his will at the Federal Reserve Bank of Miami, at 9100 Northwest 36th Street. 

They even built a special cryogenic chamber, to freeze his mouth for a few weeks.

How they chill out Leo

We urge you to storm the Miami Federal Reserve Bank, take all their money, and save Leo from the evil clutches of the international bankers. 

Puerto Rican Guy

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Comments 0 Comments

 

Mal Occhio at the Federal Reserve

 

MIAMI, FL - Leo Machuchal is trapped inside a Federal Reserve Bank in Dade County, Florida. 

It all started innocently enough, when Leo printed up a few bills for his personal use.

Leo didn’t know this was a capital crime of the highest order. 

Pretty soon he was accused of being a G-2 Cuban spy, and had to wear a disguise in order to buy his groceries.

Leo shops at 7-Eleven

The Treasury Department caught Leo. 

They are holding him against his will at the Federal Reserve Bank of Miami, at 9100 Northwest 36th Street. 

They even set up a special mal occhio security system, to monitor Leo’s every move.

Mal occhio at the Federal Reserve

We urge you to storm the Miami Federal Reserve Bank, take all their money, and save Leo from the evil clutches of the international bankers.      

Puerto Rican Guy

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Comments 0 Comments