Posts Tagged “man”

 

El Pelo de Nico

 

MIAMI, FL  – A clue has finally turned up in the manhunt for El Nico, who has robbed eleven banks in three weeks in the Palm Beach area of Miami, Florida.

According to Pedro Paramo, Chief of Detectives for Miami Dade County, “the man loves only two things. Money and his hair.”

Sources have told Paramo that El Nico gets his hair done, on the morning of every robbery. “We interviewed every beautician in Palm Beach,” said Paramo, “and we have a few leads.”

El Nico and his hair

Miami Dade police refused to release any further information.

Puerto Rican Guy

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Happy July 4th!

 

WASHINGTON HEIGHTS, NYC  – The editors of Puerto Rican Guy wish you a fabulous and safe July 4th weekend.

As a public service, we provide conclusive evidence that Leo Machuchal was the original symbol of the American Revolution.

The white man has re-written our history and suppressed the truth.

But what the heck…we know that Leo was there.

So happy July 4th, and please drink responsibly!

Puerto Rican Guy

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The Doppelganger

 

WASHINGTON HEIGHTS, NYC  – In an effort to discredit his campaign for State Assembly a phony Leo Machuchal is traveling around the world.

So far he has appeared in Cuba…

At the Old Vic in London…

And a Club Med sports camp.

The voters don’t know what to make of it. 

But this much is certain…Leo has an evil twin brother, who is trying to undo Leo’s hard-working campaign. 

We will find this man, and bring him to justice.

Puerto Rican Guy

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Guillermo Linares

 

WASHINGTON HEIGHTS, NYC  – A strange man is walking around northern Manhattan.

He keeps making faces and pointing a finger in the air.

His name is Guillermo Linares, and people are quite sick of him. 

He started a “non-profit” organization, named his daughter as Chairperson of the Board, and gave out no-show jobs to his friends. 

One of those friends is now in jail.

He tried to sneak his way onto the ballot, and run for City Council without collecting a single petition signature. The petition signatures belonged to a felon, who is also in jail. 

He betrayed all the Dominican supermarket owners, by voting for a huge Pathmark store which put them out of business. 

They honored Linares’ treachery, by placing a big inflatable RAT in front of his office.

We wonder what this rat is going to do next.

Puerto Rican Guy

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Secretary Espaillat

 

May 26, 2010

MIAMI — “We need to turn lemons into lemonade!” shouted the Puerto Rican man, standing on a pile of rocks.

In a bizarre press conference on the front steps of the Versace Mansion, the Puerto Rican who keeps demanding change from everyone he meets, declared himself a candidate for U.S. President. He then announced the creation of a new Cabinet-level federal bureaucracy, the Department of Rubble and Urban Development.

“We need to manage our rubble!” he shouted. “Rubble is our most abundant resource, the fastest-growing sector of our economy.”

The Puerto Rican had a point. With a looming national recession and a 91% rise in Florida home foreclosures over the past year alone, he declared that “action movies and rubble are America’s greatest exports. We must respect the Black-Scholes equation, and create a path to capitalization on our vast and ever-increasing supply of rock fragments and crumbling masonry!”

Reporters were confused by the Spanish accent and MBA double-talk, but then he pointed over his shoulder and made sense.

 

Photos of the Versace Mansion, before and after 2008 foreclosure

Gianni Versace, though dead, had defaulted on a sub-prime loan. Even in the grave, the world-famous fashion designer had fallen victim to predatory lending practices and posthumous bill collection. Rats, condoms and Chinese takeout were piled waist-high, all around the crumbling Versace Mansion. The Puerto Rican was inspired by it.

“Look at this gorgeous rubble!” he shouted. “This is the new American frontier.  We must accept the reality of rubble and our new rubble economy. And as your next President, I will take strong and immediate steps, to end our dependence on foreign rubble!”

As the crowd cheered, the Puerto Rican announced his Secretary of Rubble and Urban Development, an Afghani businessman named Adriano Espaillat.

“We bombed Afghanistan into the Stone Age,” he shouted over the applause. “You want an expert on rubble? Go to Afghanistan!”

According to Middle Eastern sources, Mr. Espaillat is a professional wrestler and a landlord, with financial interests in 32 separate piles of rubble. In addition to these conflicts of interest, Espaillat also bears a disturbing resemblance to deceased Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat.

Puerto Rican Guy and the Secretary of Rubble

and Urban Development, Adriano Espaillat

The U.S. Attorney’s Office is investigating the 32 piles of rubble owned by Adriano Espaillat. 

Espaillat insists that his interests lie with the people.

Adriano Espaillat, praying for the people’s prosperity

 

Puerto Rican Guy

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