Posts Tagged “miami”

 

Dog Day Afternoon (Part 2)

 

MIAMI, FL  – El Nico the bank robber has captured the imagination of Hollywood. Producer Martin Bregman negotiated personally with El Nico, who agreed to play himself in a re-make of Dog Day Afternoon.

According to the Hollywood Reporter “El Nico is no amateur. He negotiated for an upfront fee; a first dollar 20% gross deal to a breakeven of $50 million; performance bumps to $200 million; worldwide Xbox 720, DVD, sound track and merchandising rights; and other stuff we can’t understand.”

Puerto Rican Guy

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El Pelo de Nico

 

MIAMI, FL  – A clue has finally turned up in the manhunt for El Nico, who has robbed eleven banks in three weeks in the Palm Beach area of Miami, Florida.

According to Pedro Paramo, Chief of Detectives for Miami Dade County, “the man loves only two things. Money and his hair.”

Sources have told Paramo that El Nico gets his hair done, on the morning of every robbery. “We interviewed every beautician in Palm Beach,” said Paramo, “and we have a few leads.”

El Nico and his hair

Miami Dade police refused to release any further information.

Puerto Rican Guy

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El Nico Makes a Withdrawal

 

MIAMI, FL  – A one-man crime wave is sweeping through Dade County.

A South American terrorist known as El Nico has hit seven banks in three weeks, robbing a total of 4 million dollars.             

His modus operandi is very simple.

He walks up to the branch manager and tells him to call his wife.

“Tell her you’ll be late for supper tonight, because I’m going to shoot your balls off.”

After the phone call, the branch manager is in a very cooperative mood.

The branch manager calls his wife

No further information is available about El Nico, and the Miami Dade police are unable to keep up with his Suzuki Hayabusa GSXR 1300.

El Nico makes his getaway

If you have any tips about the whereabouts of El Nico, or why he is robbing all these banks, please feel free to contact us.

Puerto Rican Guy

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Secretary Espaillat

 

May 26, 2010

MIAMI — “We need to turn lemons into lemonade!” shouted the Puerto Rican man, standing on a pile of rocks.

In a bizarre press conference on the front steps of the Versace Mansion, the Puerto Rican who keeps demanding change from everyone he meets, declared himself a candidate for U.S. President. He then announced the creation of a new Cabinet-level federal bureaucracy, the Department of Rubble and Urban Development.

“We need to manage our rubble!” he shouted. “Rubble is our most abundant resource, the fastest-growing sector of our economy.”

The Puerto Rican had a point. With a looming national recession and a 91% rise in Florida home foreclosures over the past year alone, he declared that “action movies and rubble are America’s greatest exports. We must respect the Black-Scholes equation, and create a path to capitalization on our vast and ever-increasing supply of rock fragments and crumbling masonry!”

Reporters were confused by the Spanish accent and MBA double-talk, but then he pointed over his shoulder and made sense.

 

Photos of the Versace Mansion, before and after 2008 foreclosure

Gianni Versace, though dead, had defaulted on a sub-prime loan. Even in the grave, the world-famous fashion designer had fallen victim to predatory lending practices and posthumous bill collection. Rats, condoms and Chinese takeout were piled waist-high, all around the crumbling Versace Mansion. The Puerto Rican was inspired by it.

“Look at this gorgeous rubble!” he shouted. “This is the new American frontier.  We must accept the reality of rubble and our new rubble economy. And as your next President, I will take strong and immediate steps, to end our dependence on foreign rubble!”

As the crowd cheered, the Puerto Rican announced his Secretary of Rubble and Urban Development, an Afghani businessman named Adriano Espaillat.

“We bombed Afghanistan into the Stone Age,” he shouted over the applause. “You want an expert on rubble? Go to Afghanistan!”

According to Middle Eastern sources, Mr. Espaillat is a professional wrestler and a landlord, with financial interests in 32 separate piles of rubble. In addition to these conflicts of interest, Espaillat also bears a disturbing resemblance to deceased Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat.

Puerto Rican Guy and the Secretary of Rubble

and Urban Development, Adriano Espaillat

The U.S. Attorney’s Office is investigating the 32 piles of rubble owned by Adriano Espaillat. 

Espaillat insists that his interests lie with the people.

Adriano Espaillat, praying for the people’s prosperity

 

Puerto Rican Guy

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Leo Leads an Income Tax Revolt

 

MIAMI, FL – Leo Machuchal has started a revolution in Florida. 

At a rally in Miami’s Calle Ocho district, Leo and 20,000 Cubans burned their IRS 1040’s on Friday, April 2.

As President of the Guardians of the Free Republics, Leo sent letters to 30 U.S. Governors, threatening to forcibly remove them from office.

The FBI is investigating Leo, but he does not care.

Leo threatens to personally remove every Governor in the U.S.

“Do not send the IRS your money!” yelled Leo. “Do not pay any income tax!” 

According to Leo, until all income taxes are eliminated, every Governor in the U.S. – all 50 of them – are violating our constitutional rights and should go to jail.

Puerto Rican Guy

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