Posts Tagged “Police”


El Nico is Al Pacino


LOS ANGELES, CA  – In a stunning development, producers of the re-make of Dog Day Afternoon today announced that El Nico will not play himself.

He will play the part of Al Pacino, and will scream “Attica!” if police try to arrest him.


Puerto Rican Guy

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El Pelo de Nico


MIAMI, FL  – A clue has finally turned up in the manhunt for El Nico, who has robbed eleven banks in three weeks in the Palm Beach area of Miami, Florida.

According to Pedro Paramo, Chief of Detectives for Miami Dade County, “the man loves only two things. Money and his hair.”

Sources have told Paramo that El Nico gets his hair done, on the morning of every robbery. “We interviewed every beautician in Palm Beach,” said Paramo, “and we have a few leads.”

El Nico and his hair

Miami Dade police refused to release any further information.

Puerto Rican Guy

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El Nico Makes a Withdrawal


MIAMI, FL  – A one-man crime wave is sweeping through Dade County.

A South American terrorist known as El Nico has hit seven banks in three weeks, robbing a total of 4 million dollars.             

His modus operandi is very simple.

He walks up to the branch manager and tells him to call his wife.

“Tell her you’ll be late for supper tonight, because I’m going to shoot your balls off.”

After the phone call, the branch manager is in a very cooperative mood.

The branch manager calls his wife

No further information is available about El Nico, and the Miami Dade police are unable to keep up with his Suzuki Hayabusa GSXR 1300.

El Nico makes his getaway

If you have any tips about the whereabouts of El Nico, or why he is robbing all these banks, please feel free to contact us.

Puerto Rican Guy

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The Oreo Bank Robber


DETRIOT, MICH.  – For two months, a white bank robber fooled Detroit cops with a Hollywood special effects mask that disguised him as a black man.

Police claim Conrad Zdzierak, 30, used the £450 silicon mask in an audacious string of six bank robberies. Five of the raids took place on the same day, April 9.

Cops in Detroit and Flint, Michigan released CCTV footage from the banks believing they were searching for an African-American male. But after a tip-off, officers found Zdzierak staying at a nearby hotel.

The black mask

The interior of his Volvo was splattered in red dye from an exploding ink pack taken from a bank during one of the hauls, police said. Officers also discovered the sophisticated mask Zdzierak is suspected of using in the robberies.

Lieutenant Michael Mathis admitted police were fooled by the disguise and said he had never seen anything like it.

According to Mathis, “the suspect in the surveillance photographs was an African-American male…but he was actually a white male wearing an elaborate disguise.”

Zdzierak has been charged with the six robberies and is being held on a $3 million bond.

Puerto Rican Guy

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American Gigolo found in Brooklyn


BROOKLYN, NY  – The Brooklyn District Attorney’s office has arrested “J.L.”, the mysterious man who bankrupted twelve women in southern California over the past two years.

According to D.A. Charles Hynes “J.L., also known as American Gigolo and Jerry Lips, is extremely well-dressed and a prodigious lover.  Just like Porfirio Rubirosa, J.L. leaves a trail of bankrupt and broken-hearted women wherever he goes.”

J.L. leaves another woman

The gigolo was spotted in Bensonhurst by Dahonna Goodel, a professional drag queen from Chula Verde, Arizona. 

“I fell in love with the bastard,” said Ms. Goodel. 

Police chased him through La Guardia Airport, the Van Wyck Expressway, and finally caught him at Umberto’s Clam House, hiding behind the cannoli.

Puerto Rican Guy

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